More imposter syndrome.
How to feel like a fraud – Talk about how much you love your research degree when you’re not currently loving it.
I started the month doing a talk for new Post Graduate Students for the school. It went really well but I felt like a fraud talking about my experience of my degree and advice to new starters when my imposter syndrome is seeping out of every pore. My confidence and my self-care have descended into mayhem but I promised to do this talk months ago.
As I stood at the front of the classroom I felt massively body conscious and unable to stop my arms crossing in front of me. I eventually manage to drag my enthusiasm out from under my hard outer shell and approach everything with humour and smiles.
I know deep down I do love my degree just right now I am not feeling it. I feel like a fake. That’s imposter syndrome talking and I know it. I know I can do this if I get out from under this cloud.
In an attempt to feel more confident I do a collection of things to my image, they barely help but it’s enough. I go to the dentists and he makes me poor.
I take a break from work as I seek more help for my mental health.
I pre-booked to go to Venice for my birthday months before this downhill slide and the Parisian stalking incident. My confidence is still in tatters but I go anyway.
Venice is beautiful. I remember I am strong, I remember I am brave. I remember I am powerful.
It’s the break I needed to start feeling better again. It still takes a while and a lot of figuring out. Nothing much gets done.