Imposter syndrome.

Imposter syndrome.

More imposter syndrome.

How to feel like a fraud – Talk about how much you love your research degree when you’re not currently loving it.

I started the month doing a talk for new Post Graduate Students for the school. It went really well but I felt like a fraud talking about my experience of my degree and advice to new starters when my imposter syndrome is seeping out of every pore. My confidence and my self-care have descended into mayhem but I promised to do this talk months ago.

As I stood at the front of the classroom I felt massively body conscious and unable to stop my arms crossing in front of me. I eventually manage to drag my enthusiasm out from under my hard outer shell and approach everything with humour and smiles.

I know deep down I do love my degree just right now I am not feeling it. I feel like a fake. That’s imposter syndrome talking and I know it. I know I can do this if I get out from under this cloud.

In an attempt to feel more confident I do a collection of things to my image, they barely help but it’s enough. I go to the dentists and he makes me poor.

I take a break from work as I seek more help for my mental health.

I pre-booked to go to Venice for my birthday months before this downhill slide and the Parisian stalking incident. My confidence is still in tatters but I go anyway.

Venice is beautiful. I remember I am strong, I remember I am brave. I remember I am powerful.

It’s the break I needed to start feeling better again. It still takes a while and a lot of figuring out. Nothing much gets done.

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